THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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