I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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