She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.