I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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