someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.