Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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