I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
