In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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