She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
