1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
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Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Pants are for mortals
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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