I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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