If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
