Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
