Joe is yelling at the trees again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He passed out mid-signature
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
