can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
