I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
