I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
