The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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