I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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