I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
