i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
