I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
