My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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