you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
