chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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