lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
