I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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