Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
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some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
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barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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