If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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