onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
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I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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