overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
