My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Come on in and take your pants off
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