I want to walk on stilts...naked
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Sext me about skeletons
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
