You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
