I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
