thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
