How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
