I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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