I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
