we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
