What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
