Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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