I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
