She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
