I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
