its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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