A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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