I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Couch. On fire.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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