just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
