I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
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Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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