Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
