maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
