Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
