literally had 100 drinks last night.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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