Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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